Meccanized

The phrase “Thank you, Captain Obvious” has always…ground…my gears, but I think it is pretty relevant in this case.

I was coming back from a brief afternoon workout at 24-Hour Fitness, and my eye caught a sign for exercise-focused holiday gifts offered by the gym.

At the top of the sign was a single line so amazing that it caused me to run (well, to limp, since I had a minor mishap on the elliptical machine today…and by mishap, I mean I got excited when the Gin Blossoms came on my iPod and I lost my rhythm and stumbled off the foot pad…sorry, guys, I’m taken…) back to my computer:

“$99 gift certificate for 24-Hour Fitness.  Cost: $99.”

No kidding?  Because a $99 gift certificate at that other gym is $300!  What a steal!

24-Hour Fitness (and anyone who has to ask how much a $99 gift certificate costs, you are Meccanized.

Normally, I would say that pretty-boy actors who think the world revolves around them and who just do as they please regardless of their commitments grind my gears.

I would also say that snarky, pretentious playwrites who think that their works are the center of everyone’s whole world and who refuse to take the high road as a result grind my gears.

But  Jeremy Piven (who I have followed since his small role in Say Anything in the 80’s) and David Mamet (one of my favorite playwrites/screenwriters) simply do not have the ability to grind my gears.

However, I do think that Jeremy’s whining (in short: I have too much mercury in my body and I need to drop out of your hit production on short notice) and David’s awesome snarkfest of a retort (“My understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer.”) deserve some space on my blog, if only for the sheer ridiculousness of the situation.

Jeremy and David, you are Meccanized (but I still love you both).

After a workload-related blogging hiatus, I work up this morning ready to re-enter the blogosphere and prepared to look for annoying things that I could Meccanize.  I didn’t have to look far.

I give you The Slanket.

Designed for people who want to look like wizards while they are trying to stay warm.  Or who are too lazy to put on extra clothes but are incapable of handling the complexities of a draped blanket while they are doing their every day tasks like reading a book or ordering a pizza.

There are also a number of competing products, including the Snuggie.  “Blankets are OK but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside.”  I wasn’t aware that blankets offered similar functionality to handcuffs, but apparently this is a real problem.

And, on a whole new different level of stupidity, I give you the Hawaii Chair.

It’s a chair.  That has a 2800 RPM motor in it.   The chair basically jerks you back and forth while you”go about your business” (you know…read, write, talk on the phone… do all those things that are easy to do while your nether-regions are spinning around uncontrollably).  And when did sitting on your ass become an integral part of working out?

There is also the Flowbee, but that deserves a whole other blog post.

Blanket capes and vomit-inducing furniture, you are Meccanized.