Mental Masturbation: 10x More Stress, 1/2 the Fun.

It’s late on a Thursday night, and I’m in a McFlurry haze.  Introspection time.  Not even repeated viewings of “Kitten Mittens” can pull me out of my own head.

I found out last week that a friend from college passed away.  Very sad and also very jarring.  Whenever anyone dies — especially someone so young — it inevitably leads to the rolling “am I living my life right?” thunder.  It seems like all of a sudden, it becomes clear how much time and energy are wasted on comparatively insignificant things.  Then, come the promises of no longer sweating the small stuff.  Then, some variation of “I’m going to do it…really, finally, I’m going to…”  It all has the feel of a movie trailer — a brief, few poignant scenes, capped with a euphoric moment where everything seems to fall into place.  Set to, of course, Solsbury Hill.

The scary thing is how fleeting those thoughts are.   About a day after I heard about my friend, the mental masturbation began.  There were broad, generic questions:

–       How can I invest so much of my life worrying about silly stuff?  (Not to overstate my readership, but I am saddened by the number of people who are likely reading this and nodding in agreement that I do, in fact, obsess about silly stuff…and all thinking of different examples.)

–       Am I living my life to the fullest?

–       Will I look back on this time in my life and feel like I should have done anything differently? 

And then came the equally broad, generic resolutions:

–       I’m not going to waste one more second or iota of energy on silly things that I can’t control.

–       I’m not going to take anything or anyone for granted.

–       I’m not going to regret anything – if things work out, great.  If they don’t, they are still learning experiences.

It took all of 24 hours for me to toss my lofty ideals out the window.  Actually, as far as the “not taking anyone for granted” ideal, at least I can sort of follow through: Thank you to all who have been willing to listen to me prattle on about one stupid thing for the last week.  I appreciate it more than you can imagine.

I’ve always thought that life realizations that come neatly packaged in moments of clarity are bullshit.  No matter what the movies tell us, you rarely just “get” something…and even if you do, the resultant change in behavior rarely sticks.  But it still bums me out how quickly I lost sight of two-thirds of my goals that not long ago, in a fairly significant moment, seemed both logical and tangible.  

Nothing to Meccanize here.  Just needed to vent.

Written by lindsay in: Uncategorized | Tags: ,
  • Bret Clement

    Sounds like you need to sail on the S7.

  • Kittens

    I feel so sorry for your friend. You were discussing a very important topics of uor life. We need to think of it very deeply.

  • Kittens

    I feel so sorry for your friend. You were discussing a very important topics of uor life. We need to think of it very deeply.

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