Meccanized

This made me so happy.  It’s like a glorious little game of “Who Should I Hate More?”

To my left is Michael Bay, who I used to think was the world’s shittiest director.  Then, I discovered Matthew Barney (who I’ll count as a director for his horrible forays into art-films) and McG, both of whom suck infinitely more than MB.  I actually enjoy MB’s movies (I’m a total sucker for mindless action), but I’m stubborn and feel the need to cling to my thirteen-year dislike for him for the sake of consistency.  

To my right is Megan Fox, world’s dumbest woman.  Nothing she says makes sense, and when she does manage to string a few words together properly, it’s usually pretty offensive.  But not offensive in a fun “best team name at trivia” kind of way; offensive in a “I’m rock stupid and really don’t get it” kind of way.  

I think I have to give this round to Megan Fox, if only for the pyramid quote.  I also re-watched “The Rock” late last night and was so into it that I’ll give Michael Bay a bye for today.

And yet another thing that really grinds my gears: Michael Bay.

I was at the movies last night, taking in Saw V (go ahead…judge), and I saw something infinitely more disturbing than the image of a man getting torn in half by a pendulum with “inferior blades”: a preview for next Michael Bay film. And what kills me the most is that, based on the trailer, I actually want to see it.

This is why I hate Michael Bay — his ideas are great, and they are usually enough to suck in unsuspecting (or, in my case, suspecting but always gullible) viewer. The problem is his execution. Imagine you have in front of you a really delicious filet mignon — tender, juicy, delicious. Now, imagine taking that filet, burning it beyond recognition, and covering it in mayo (and cilantro). Then smear your shoe on it a few times, beat it with a rusty bat, and lay it in the street and let a garbage truck roll over it a few times. Then go and pick it up from the pavement. What used to be a filet that would have made a damn fine meal now is something so gross and deformed you wouldn’t even give it to the homeless man who sleeps outside your building (or pees on your building, as the case may be). This is what Michael Bay does to a good idea.

Take “The Island” for example. What was an interesting bio-ethical dilemma became a loud, totally incongruous, totally unoriginal 2 hours that were saved only by the fact that my friend had a credit on the movie.

And Pearl Harbor? Well, I won’t get into the details, but I had to choke back vomit several times, as did several WWII vets who actually left the theater in disgust. I was happy beyond words when I heard “The End of an Act” in “Team America: World Police.”

(And sure, point out my hypocrisy — I love “The Rock” and “Bad Boys.” But I would argue that those are the types of movies Michael Bay should be tackling — ones where plot holes make absolutely zero difference, where explosions every 20 seconds are ok, and where Nicholas Cage dropping to his knees and screaming “Noooooooo!” while waving flares fit perfectly into the story.)

Of course, ultimately, this is my problem and not Michael Bay’s — I know full well what his movies are like, and yet I keep buying tickets, essentially saying with my $10.50 “It’s ok, Michael, I know you hit me because you love me.” However, this is my blog, and Michael Bay, rolling in dough out there in L.A., just pisses me off.

Michael Bay, you are Meccanized. (But I will still go see “The Unborn” when it comes out, and I expect at least a few of you reading to come with me.)